Imagine this typical arranged marriage setup, where a guy visits your home with his parents for a little tete-a-tete and you are asked to dress up in one of your mother’s perfect silk sari and bring in tea for the guests. All those eyes scanning you from top to bottom, the prospective mother-in-law digging into the details of your figure, your height, the way you walk and blah blah. The prospective father-in-law seems more interested in those samosas and the prospective groom in a dilemma whether to look at you or his mother or eat those damn samosas. So, he does all of that looks at his mother for the affirmation to look at you while eating those delicious samosas. Well, this may seem scary to many but if things go fine this guy could be the one you are going to spend your life with. But how do you decide in those few moments of shying away, eating samosas and stolen glances that this, yes this is the one (and break into romantic dance sequences like in the movies)? The answer is No! You can’t. Period!
Times have changed. What may have looked like a perfect setup for deciding whom to marry is no longer the same. Most women are educated and independent now and no longer require marriage to sustain their lives. So, what is it that we girls really want in a man? I think we can answer that perfectly for you. Here’s a list of Questions to Ask Before Marriage if you are facing the arranged marriage set up or have been dating someone and planning to marry.
- Why do you want to marry me?
No, this isn’t a question where you want to listen to your praises but it seriously matters. Listen to what his reason is; if he ends up saying because you are beautiful and understanding then you know where the door is. Does he judge you mainly based on your looks or does he see you as a person capable of complimenting him in all walks of life? If you have been dating for a while then this is where you can understand if he is ready for that plunge or not.
- What is your income?
Some people shy away from this question, but it must be understood that money and finances must be discussed before marriage and you have the full right to have a complete financial transparency from your prospective life partner. Ask him about his annual package, his savings and investments, how he manages his expenses, and tell him about yours. Do not exaggerate or lie or be embarrassed about your income and the same goes for the guy. Also, if you earn more than the guy see if he is comfortable with that or does his ego cause some complications in digesting the fact. Be transparent and discuss how much are you going to earn together and how do you plan to spend/save/invest the amount.
- What are your financial goals?
An individual without a plan for his life is a dangerous one to marry. Even if tentative, there must be a plan, a short term or long term goal or a personal financial goal to look forward to. Discuss with him how do you plan to achieve that together. After your marriage, you are going to be a team and these goals small or big can be attained only once you synchronize your efforts together.
- What is your ambition in life?
A guy may be well settled and happy in his job but you must know what his aspirations are? Where does he see himself in five years or ten years? Where do you see yourself in five years? Does he have any hidden talent? Would he or you someday want to open an independent venture or do some freelancing work? Ask yourself are you okay with such a decision? Would he support you if you wish to start a business or vice versa?
- What does he think about sex?
No, this is not where you discuss your fantasies but a very serious discussion and there is nothing to shy away from this question. Ask him about his first time, has he done it before (Although he will deny but, of course he has!). Obviously, he is not going to divulge the details of his mini escapades to Thailand but what’s the harm in asking. Listen to what he thinks about sex and does he believe it should be equally enjoyed by both in a marriage?
- Is he sexually healthy?
It is important to know about one’s sexual history. With sex becoming more of a casual thing and with an increase in cases of STDs and cervical cancers and people not being aware of the consequences, it is critical to know of the sexual health of a person you are going to marry. You have to be transparent as well, and there is nothing wrong about it. There are medical tests to assess one’s sexual health and if you are the progressive type both of you take these tests and be assured of a healthy future.
- Do you want or don’t want children?
Parenthood is a natural course of life and seems like an easy decision to make but, times are changing. Many couples have refrained from having kids due to a plethora of reasons. Bringing a child to the world should never be an accident but should be well thought of. Moreover, a woman has to have a say in it. Ask whether you want children or not? If yes then by when do you wish to have children, starting a family right away is not a great idea. After all, you guys need some time to spend with each other as well.
- How are the kids going to be raised?
If you are planning to have kids you must also discuss how the responsibilities are going to be shared. With changing gender roles, it is important that men also take equal participation in raising their offspring. A father is no more just the breadwinner for the family but also an integral part of the care giving process. Ask him if he would be comfortable changing diapers or having few sleepless nights.
- What is the most important thing in a marriage to make it work?
Love should be the answer, but it’s not. Love may fade away, with years you may no longer remain romantic with each other but it is trust that we are looking at. Talk to him about loyalty and trust both of which matter a lot in a marriage. A large number of broken marriages are attributed to infidelity. Ask him what he thinks about cheating, infidelity and disloyalty in a marriage. Ask him how important does he think is trust to have a successful marriage.
- What are his ideas about health and fitness?
Talk about health and fitness. Ask him if he smokes or drinks alcohol. If yes, then what kind of a drinker is he? How well does he handle himself under the influence of alcohol? Go get him drunk if you need to see it for real. Ask what are his fitness goals, does he exercise? What is his blood group? Does he have any history of any illness? If yes, then listen to it, don’t judge them for an illness they may have fought and won. Tell him if you have been bothered by asthma, diabetes or any other health complication that you may have. Then check if you completely understand his condition and vice versa and decide whether you would be able to help each other out through sickness and health.
- What does he think about you being responsible for your parents?
A girl leaving her maternal home and joining her husband’s family after matrimony is a common norm in India. But ask him if he is okay with the fact that you would like to be responsible for your parents after the marriage. Ask him what are his expectations from you as a daughter-in-law to his parents and what does he think of his responsibilities as a son-in-law to your parents. See if he is reluctant to share the responsibilities of both families and if that is too much to ask then just see if he has problems with you taking care of your family even after being married.
This is not an exhaustive list of all the possible questions to ask before marriage but somewhat the important ones. The next time you are in a dilemma of deciding who to marry use these questions to clear your doubt. Hope that helps! All the best Ladies.